dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
