Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
