Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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