uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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