Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
