Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
