So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
