I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I AM VODKA MAN
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
