apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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