I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
