Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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