So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
