why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
