I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
