The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
