i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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