he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Randomize
