well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
barbara walters just said penis...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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