I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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