med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
