No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
