I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
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