he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
