i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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