What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
