White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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