so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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