and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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