Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
