lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize