Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
