Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
