You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
