I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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