I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
