i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
