At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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