i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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