my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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