I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
