it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
