Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
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