Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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