she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
