Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
