its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
