I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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