i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
