Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
