so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
