i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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