I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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