made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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