Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize