:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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