K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
