We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Someone came in the potted fern
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I think my moral compass just broke
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