My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
