It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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