The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
