I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
